A few weeks ago, a good friend of mine, Abby Heskett, came by my house, a black duffel towering over her head like a person on a piggyback ride. Peeking through a gap in the duffel, I could see light blue, durable looking fabric. It was a pack, but not just any pack. It was THE pack. The pack I saw Abby live out of for nine months in 2017, the pack Jane Kantarevic shouldered for the last time when she was called back to the US at the start of COVID.
In truth, it is just a bundle of indestructible straps and zippers. Yet to me, the pack is a reminder that my race isn’t a lone event jutting out like a teetering steeple, a gaping hole in my education, a sudden hiccup, though it has seemed like all of those things at times. My race is rooted and supported by a church family. It’s something God has been equipping me for for years, and something which will further prepare me for my life after. Countless people, events, and conversations have pointed to the World Race throughout my life. And when I carry that pack around the world, I carry part of the community that has discipled me for years.
But that was a while ago. Tonight, I’m sitting on the floor and staring at that blue pack in the corner of my dimly lit room. I’m accusing that pack, and the events it represents, of building up to something that is about to wisp away like smoke.
When our 2-week training camp got moved to September, I wasn’t worried. COVID would be over soon; we believed we would head out to Romania immediately after training. But now, things are different. COVID isn’t just going away, and there is a large chance that, instead of launching in September, we’ll stay at WR headquarters near Atlanta and do missions development, service, and training from September-December, then launch in January. Not many details have been shared about this option because it is not set in stone yet, but every day, it seems as if the option becomes more of a reality.
So here I am, sitting on the floor. Frustrated, praying for God to miraculously make the virus go away. Asking God for a sign, or some sort of insight into what is going on. Demanding an answer from God as hours go by. Trying to word my request to God so it doesn’t seem 100% selfish, like I haven’t become consumed with the glamour of traveling the world more than spreading the gospel and actually helping people.
Like I haven’t fixated on MY plan, MY perspective, MY race. ME.
What happens when we pray? Is it like a phone call? When we say God is “out of time,” do we mean he exists in a dimension that is higher than time, and can see all of it like a 3-D person can see all of a 2-D surface? If so, does prayer actually change the way things turn out? The bible says yes, but wouldn’t God already know that he was going to hear that prayer “alter” the way things were “supposed” to turn out? If God knew in advance, is that “change” at all?
I don’t know how God answers prayer. But what I do know is this: when we pray, God changes our prayer over time. It happened with Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane: three times he prayed without getting any sort of verbal answer that we know of. But, as Jesus repeated his prayer, his request evolved to align with God’s will. (Matthew 26:36-50)
After hours of prayer, my questions have changed as well. Why are people dying in droves at the hand of an invisible virus? Why are the people of my country killing each other because of race? Why are the systems around me broken and breaking? I don’t understand, God. Where do you want me? How can I help?
Lately, I’ve been reading the story of Job. Job is a man who loses everything he worked for in life: his wealth, his family, even his own wellbeing. Job cries out to God, demanding to know why God has taken so much from him, growing more frustrated as God gives no answer. But then, God speaks, essentially saying, “I created every system in the universe. And you’re a tiny little organism in my vast creation demanding that I explain myself? Your brain is incapable of comprehending my plan.” -Kate’s paraphrased version. I cannot relate with Job’s loss. My life has been shielded from the death and violence that others are experiencing due to COVID and racial unrest in the US. But for some reason, I have demanded an explanation from God like Job. And now, my response to what God is doing is pretty similar to Job’s:
Job 32:1-3
Then Job replied to the Lord:
“I know that you can do all things;
no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.
Who am I to say that God is wrong to allow these things to happen? To say that God is wrong if he keeps me in the states? I went on the race because I wanted to help broken people, and right now, people in the US are breaking. All these events are pieces to a puzzle that I cannot understand or solve. But needs are arising in the states, and now I may be held back in the states. If now, in the US, I have a chance to meet those needs, to help heal broken people, and to spread the gospel, then am I not doing what I set out to do in the first place?
WOW praise God! The Lord’s blessed you with a gifted hand at writing, and he’s speaking through you in that way. Thank you for being obedient to him and being vulnerable with us. Praise Jesus
I read your post, Kate, and praised our loving God for your growth into Him. You ask the questions we all ask in the beginning, middle and, yes, end of our journey. One comment that has always helped to keep me on track was something Fr. Adrian Van Kaam once offered:
Learn to live the questions. We’ll probably never learn the answers but we can live with the questions with undying faith and trust. I hope that helps. I hold you in my prayer.